Weakest Link: XFiles series
by Fictionnaire
Summary: Some populer X-File characters compete on the Weakest Link. Warning Contains some violence.
1. Chapter 1

_**THE WEAKEST LINK**_

_X-Files Series_

_INTRODUCING THE CONTESTANTS_

"Hello my name is Mulder." Mulder spoke to the camera, "I've been on the X-Files for over nine years. My sister had been abducted, my father was killed and my mother died… I'm the only Mulder left. I can win this thing because I have the highest IQ. Plus, I have a degree in psychology."

"I'm Dana Scully." Scully said, "I too have lost a sister and a father. I'm a medical doctor and now a lecturer at the FBI. I can win this, because I to am smart."

"My name is George Myers." Myers said, "I do several things around the FBI but my favorite is trying to court Agent…" Thinks for awhile, "Harp or Scully… Harp or Scully… Scully or Harp."

"I'm Agent Michelle Harp. I say that my job at the FBI is gathering Intel and doing background checks." Harp said, "Others might call it gossiping, but I call it Intel gathering."

"I'm Alex Krychek." Alex said, "I killed Mulder's father, Scully's sister and to answer your question… Mulder looks great in red speedos. No I don't think my fake arm will prevent me from winning."

"I'm Craig Taylor." Taylor said, "In fact I'm not sure what I'm doing here… How's it going Krychek? Good to see you again."

"I'm Agent Doggett." Doggett said, "I have lost a son as well. But don't go there. Don't even ask."

"I'm Monica Reyes." Monica said, "I believe in psychic ability, I know what people say about that. Also I love whale songs."

"Dean Fuller here." Fuller said, "Let's go down to the studio he said. Let's watch Mulder make a fool out himself he said. Let's have a few laughs he said. How do I keep letting myself get roped into these things? Damn you George."

A man sits half in the dark and all is seen is him puffing on a cigarette. He throws it to the ground, stubs it out with his foot and walks off.

_**INTRODUCTION OF THE GAME:**_

"Welcome to the Weakest Link." Anne Droidson said, "I ask you questions, for each one you get right the amount increases but if you get a question wrong the amount reverts back to zero. At the beginning of each question you'll be given an opportunity to bank the accumulative amount. That money will be safe but the chain will be broken and the tally will revert back to zero."

Everybody stood at the ready in anticipation for the first round of questions. Mulder looked the jitterier since he was first in the firing line.

"Mulder…" Anne said, "The time-travelling car in Back To The Future was called?"

"Delorean!" Mulder jumped up and down.

"Correct." Anne said, "Dana… When a patient dies, what beginning with R sets in?"

"Rigormortis." Scully answered.

"Correct." Anne said, "This director reached fame for being the worse film director ever."

"Scully…" Myers said, "Harp… No wait, Scully."

"Incorrect!" Anne replied, "It was Edwood D Wood Jr. Harp, when someone hears something and repeats it but with some differences… What is this called?"

"Chinese Whispers." Harp jumped up and down, "I got it right."

"Correct." Anne said, "Alex… In the event of something happening to the government, there's another government set up to take control… What government is this known as?"

"I can't tell you that." Krychek leaned forward a bit.

"Incorrect!" Anne said.

"Like hell it is." Krychek said directly.

"The answer is Shadow Government." Anne ignored Krychek, "Taylor… The fear of spiders is referred to as?"

Taylor's body began trembling, "A-a-a-a Arachnophobia?" Doggett began chuckling to himself and in response Taylor kicked Doggett in the shin.

"Get your emotions under control Taylor." Krychek said to him.

"Correct!" Anne said, "Doggett… The alert given when a child is reported missing is known as a what colored alert?"

"This is damn ridiculous." Doggett spat out, "Amber alert."

"Correct!" Anne replied, "Monica Reyes…"

"Green." Monica said.

"Correct! Dean Fuller… Abbott and who was the famous comedy duo famous for their Who's on First?"

"Costello." Fuller answered.

"Correct!" Anne said, "CSM, Cancer Man whatever? In Roswell New Mexico 1947 the town's people thought that a what crashed there?"

CSM stood there in silence while puffing on his cigarette, "Just answer the question." Fuller said… For his trouble, CSM deliberately gave him a face-full of smoke and Fuller began coughing and the smoke was making him giddy. He turned around and vomited to his left.

"That's my good pants." CSM scowled at Fuller.

"Incorrect!" Anne said, "It was believed to be a UFO. Mulder… According to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy what is the answer to the universe."

"Umm… Umm." Mulder thought to himself, "42." He cheered himself.

"Correct!" Anne said, "Scully… What percentage of water makes up the human body?"

"Seventy five percent." Scully answered.

"Correct! Myers… A stringed musical instrument that's almost shaped like a heart is called?"

"Harp." Myers sighed lovingly, "Or Scully."

"Correct!" Anne said.

"What was the question?" Myers asked.

"Harp…"

"Bank bank bank." Harp jumped up and down.

"What is the name given to a person who believes that they're a werewolf?" Anne continued the question.

"Fucking crazy." Harp said.

"Damn straight." Doggett commented.

"Incorrect! Clinical Lycanthropy." Anne corrected, "Krychek… A famous horror author is Stephen who?"

"Who cares?" Krychek said, "There's a lot more to life than reading."

"Incorrect!" Anne said, "Stephen King. Taylor… An old B-grade horror movie involving spiders hitching on a small plane to a small town was called what Cargo?"

"Lay off the bloody Spiders!" Taylor shouted.

"Keep your emotions in check." Krychek said.

"Listen to the rat." Doggett said.

"Incorrect! Deadly Cargo" Anne said, "Doggett… In 1984 a movie was brought out about someone killing kids while they were dreaming. He was freddy…"

Doggett's eyes flared up in quiet anger. To prod him to answer the question, Taylor stepped on Doggett's toes as hard as he could, "Ouch!" Doggett called out.

"Incorrect!" Anne said, "Freddy Krueger… Monica…"

"Dolphins!" Monica exclaimed with passion.

"Incorrect! The answer was whales."

"I like whales." Monica commented.

"Fuller… What element does the chemical symbol Po. Capital P little o. stand for?"

Fuller copped another face full of cigarette smoke and he began a coughing fit, "Shit." Fuller said in between coughs.

"Incorrect!" Anne said, "Polonium."

"I'm hungry." Monica said.

"She said Polonium." Mulder said shaking his head, "Not polony."

"Tomayto, Tomarto." Monica said.

"You don't want to start eating Polonium Monica." Scully said.

"Would you lot concentrate on the game!" Anne ordered, "CSM…" CSM just stood there continuously blowing smoke in Fuller's direction, "Do you ever stop smoking?" She asked him.

"No." CSM answered.

"Correct!" Just then the buzzer sounded signaling the end of the round, "Tsk Tsk." Anne said, "Two thousand dollars. Is that the best you can do? God I hope not. It's time to vote off the weakest link." She waited until all the contestants wrote on their cards, "Now reveal who you voted for and why." Anne said.

Mulder held up his card, "I voted for CSM." He said, "I can smell that foul stench of tobacco from here."

"I voted for CSM to." Scully said, "His smoking stunts my growth."

"I voted for Mulder." Myers said, "He's my only competition."

"I voted for George." Harp said, "I think he's making me feel uncomfortable."

"I voted for Cancer Man." Krychek said, "I don't like him."

"I voted for John Doggett." Taylor said, "Because he's an asshole."

"I voted for Agent Taylor." Doggett said, "Because he's an idiot."

"I vote for CSM." Monica said, "He's going to be the next one out."

Dean Fuller held up his card to reveal his name on it, "I vote for myself." He said, "Because I really want out of this hellhole that George dragged me into."

"You can't vote yourself off." Anne said, "So your vote is null and void." CSM held his card up to reveal Fuller then put it down, "With the most votes CSM… According to the team… You are the weakest link… Goodbye."

CSM took the walk of shame calmly and talked to the camera back in the room, "It's easy to see why they voted me off." CSM said into the camera, "They were all intimidated by my presence." He thought for a moment, "Actually I don't like this segment… Give me the tape." This was met with silence, "DO YOU HAVE THE DAMN TAPE?!"


	2. Chapter 2

_**THE WEAKEST LINK**_

_X-Files style_

"The first round was a pretty poor round wasn't it? Not good at all was it?" Anne Robinson asked in a pity tone, "If this keeps up the winner would be very poor indeed. You have to do better… Are you ready for round two?"

Mulder waited anxiously awaited the first question.

"Mulder…" Anne said, "The term given to movies that have bad special affects, bad acting and bad directorship is known as a what grade type of movie?"

"B-grade!" Mulder said.

"Correct!" Anne said, "Scully… When people start an autopsy, they usually start with the what incision?"

"Y-incision." Scully said she turned to face Mulder and mouthed, _I Love you._

"Correct! Myers… When someone goes on and on about something they are said to what on?"

"Harp…" Myers said, "Or Scully?"

"Correct!"

"Hey can you repeat the question?" Myers asked, "I was somewhere else."

"Harp… A listening device is commonly referred to as a what?" Anne asked.

"Bug." Harp exclaimed.

"That's funny." Mulder laughed, "That's what Myers is commonly referred to as… Coincidence? I think not." This comment called Scully to start laughing.

"Concentrate on the game and you lot might actually do better right?" Anne cut the laughing, "Alex… Complete this saying a bird in the hand is worth…"

"Two in the bush." Krychek shrugged his shoulder.

"Correct! Taylor… A venomous spider in America is known as the black what?" Anne asked.

Taylor ended up trying to brush off the imaginary spiders off his body. He felt like they were crawling up his body. Doggett stood there laughing but unfortunately did not see one of Taylor's flailing arms and it punched him right in the nose causing it to bleed… Doggett thought this was a deliberate act to be made to look accidental so he went to punch Taylor, however in the midst of the action of brushing off the spiders he ducked and the punch ended up striking Krychek in the eye.

"That's it Agent Doggett." Krychek pushed Taylor out of the way and got Doggett in a one armed headlock. Doggett managed to reach over and pull his fake arm off and continuously beat Krychek over the head with it.

"We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor." Anne said.

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"Welcome back to The Weakest Link." Anne said.

"Can I have my arm back?" Krychek asked.

"John Doggett… A famous group of children missing in Australia was the "Who" children?" Anne asked.

"I thought Dr Who only had one child." Taylor said.

"Why do you keep asking me these questions?" Doggett asked.

"What's the matter John Doggett?" Anne said, "Lose someone close to you?"

John Doggett went up to Anne and held her by the collars, "You stay out of my life, you stay out of my business… You got that straight?!"

Anne reached over and picked up Krychek's fake arm and knocked Doggett over the head with it which knocked him out. Two stage hands carried Doggett over to his podium and leaned him against it.

"Incorrect! Monica Reyes… If…"

"Five." Monica said.

"Correct!" Anne replied, "Dean Fuller… Why does the Earth rotate?"

"That's easy." Fuller said, "Gravity makes the Earth rotate."

"Incorrect!" Anne said, "The Earth's never stopped moving. Mulder… To be crazy one is said to lose their what?"

"Mind?" Mulder said.

"Incorrect! Marbles… Scully, what scientific term is given to people who suffer from an abnormal amount of hair to what is commonly referred to as Werewolf Syndrome?"

Scully thought hard for a moment, "I don't know, that question should belong to Mulder." She said, "What's it called Mulder?"

"Hypertrichosis." Mulder answered.

"For blatant cheating, I'm deducting a thousand dollars from your total." Anne said, "Myers… A famous director is Spike who?"

"Scul-ly." Myers spoke slowly.

"Incorrect! It's Spike Lee" Anne replied, "Harp… Finish this quote, Loose Lips sink…"

"Ships!" Harp jumped up and down, "Hooray for me!"

"Correct! Alex… The reported hangar in the Nevada desert is what area number?"

"There's no hangar in the Nevada desert." Krychek said, "Anyone who has told you is wrong… Wrong I tell you."

"Incorrect! The correct answer 51." Anne replied.

"The hell it is." Krychek said, "There is no area 51 in the Nevada Desert."

"Taylor… How many legs does an Arachnid have?" Anne asked.

"God damnit!" Taylor said, "Shut up about those 8-legged freaks!"

"Correct!" Anne said, "Agent Doggett… The game show that allows you to only answer in the form of a question is called…"

"Who am I?" Doggett asked, "Where am I?"

"Incorrect!" Anne said.

"Ha!" Taylor said, "You lost your memory, you don't know who you are." He sang.

"Monica…" Anne said.

"I'm a marine." Doggett said.

"Incorrect!" Anne replied, "The answer was strawberries."

"Wait a minute I didn't answer the question." Monica protested, "That's not fair."

"You're no marine anymore." Taylor said.

"I don't know you… But I have already taken a dislike to you." Doggett said.

Taylor blew him a raspberry.

"Agents!" Anne said, "Fuller, I played Ash in Evil Dead, Sam axe in Burn Notice, Autoclys in Xena… Who am I?"

Fuller thinks for a moment before Taylor shouted out, "God damn it! It's Bruce Campbell you idiot!"

"Bruce Campbell?" Fuller asked.

"That is correct. But for cheating I have to deduct another thousand dollars from your total." Anne said, "That brings us to the end of the round. Not only have you managed to not bank any money, you lot are the first ones in Weakest Link history to lose money. So that brings your total back down to zero. Absolutely, terribly pitiful. It's time to vote off the weakest link."

"I voted for Myers." Mulder held up his card, "He's acting too distracted."

"I voted for Myers." Scully said, "He's making me too distracted."

"I voted for Mulder." Myers said, "He's my only competition.

"I vote for Mulder." Harp said, "He zones out whenever he works for me."

"I voted for John Doggett." Krychek said, "You hit him in the head and gave him concussion. He can't continue."

"I voted for Agent Doggett." Taylor said, "He's an asshole."

"I voted for Taylor." Doggett said, obviously he recovered from his temporary amnesia, "Just because."

"See what I mean." Taylor replied pointing at him, "He's never liked me."

"Oh yeah." Doggett said and leant across with his card and rubbed it against his hand.

"That damn well hurts." Taylor said as he held onto his hand, screeching in pain, "Paper cut… Damn you Agent Doggett!"

"I voted for Fuller." Monica said, "Because he obviously doesn't want to be here."

"I voted for Anne Droidson." Fuller said, "Because I'm breaking the rules hoping that they'll kick me off the show."

"It seems we have a tie." Anne said, "You lot can't agree on anything… You're just as bad as everyone else. The only thing you lot are good at is being bad at this. Mulder you were the strongest link in that round… So you get to decide who goes… Are you sticking to your vote or changing it to Doggett?"

"Actually I think Scully would love it if I stick to Myers." Mulder grinned, "So I'm sticking to my original vote… Goodbye Myers… No hard feelings?"

"Screw you Mulder." Myers said, "Hey guess what? I kissed Scully in the basement last week."

Everyone, including Anne raised an eyebrow and waited for an explanation from somebody regarding this epiphany.

"That's what you think." Mulder said with cheeky grin, "It was me."

"No it wasn't." Myers shuddered at the thought. Mulder went over to him and kissed him, "Oh my god." Myers said, "You kissed me?"

"George Myers… You are the weakest link… Goodbye." Anne said.

Myers spoke to the camera, "It's obvious why Mulder voted me out... It's because I'm his competition and he's afraid of me. Afraid that I might take Scully away from him."


End file.
